Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Archives

February 12, 2021 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

How Do You Hide?

Depending on where you look for body image statistics, somewhere between 60% and 97% of people (men or women….teens or adults) report not having a good body image. Body image is how we think, feel, and act toward or about our bodies. If you don’t feel good about your body, you are certainly not alone. And depending on what you believe about your body, I would bet many reading this would struggle to believe that it is not their body’s fault. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we call this fusion with our thoughts. Sometimes our thoughts are so entrenched that we have a hard time seeing and knowing that it is a thought and believe it to be reality. I posted a quote on social media yesterday from Lindsay Kite that says, “My body was never the problem; my perception of my body was the problem.”

What if we tell ourselves this every time we have a bad thought about our body? What if we could imagine, even if only a moment, what it would be like if we didn’t see our body as a problem, as something holding us back, as something to hide? Extra points if you write some of the thoughts down of what you would do and how it would be.

One quick caveat—weight stigma and fatphobia are real. Society is not always easy breezy for folks in larger bodies or with disabilities. Racism can also sometimes create a hard stop for folks. I don’t want to pretend like these are not part of reality. For purposes of this exercise, I am looking at the stories inside our own heads that we are telling ourselves. How are you hiding? What is your body holding you back from? Can we each find a way to do the thing we would so love to do? Honestly, we may need to get creative or innovative. Maybe we need to show up to our high school reunion or post the selfie on social media. Maybe we tell the truth in the conversation at work. Maybe we go swimming or dancing. Maybe we start the YouTube channel we’ve been dreaming about. The truth is, we can often do the things, wear the things, be the things—it is society who says we can’t. And if there is indeed a limitation, that’s where creativity and innovation come in—maybe we develop a way to somehow work around the limitation.

In Brené Brown’s work, she has a great mantra—she says, “don’t shrink, don’t puff up, stand your sacred ground.” I love this mantra. I developed my own version for my own journey, which you will notice I leave out the don’t puff up part (you can psychoanalyze me if you want). Jamie’s version: Don’t hide—stand in your truth!

January 15, 2021 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

Let’s Look a Little Closer

As we are on this journey of figuring out this new way of thinking, I remembered an exercise I did about a year ago. Make a timeline of the times you have dieted over the years. Give yourself space on each of them to journal your mindset at the time–what you had hoped (maybe fantasized) the diet would bring you. When I did this exercise a year ago, I made two connections. One was adding to my community, which I wrote about previously. Another was my wish for life to be effortless. I fantasized that “when I get my life together and lose weight, everything will be so much easier.” If you do this exercise, be gentle with yourself. Allow me to offer a couple of thoughts as you go forward with any connections you make.

You may need to grieve. Grief is universal, and no one can tell you how to grieve, as we are each so unique. Many of us may not realize that grief is not just the loss of people from our lives, but sometimes the loss of an aspect of ourselves….or a belief about the world. For me, in the fantasy about life being effortless, I had to grieve that maybe that isn’t a thing. Maybe effort will be required, at least to some extent, forever and always. Acceptance can sometimes be freeing. It seems like a paradox, but in accepting that effort may be required, I found some peace, and life seemed a bit easier.
If you uncover a need, as I found that I needed community, see if there is a way to meet that need without dieting and diet culture. We often believe that we have to have a particular body to go to school or pursue a career, pursue a relationship, or do something that brings us joy or pleasure. Often, body size is not a requirement. See if you can do the thing now, in your right now body. And if you meet actual resistance from the outside, it might be time to do some research and advocate. A lot of times, that resistance is simply a story inside our heads.
Don’t be afraid to call in the troops. There can be support on this journey. It might be online through social media or all the various options that the Internet brings. And it might be a therapist. Healthy people have therapists. If you don’t have one, look for one that is HAES aligned, eating disorder informed/trained (maybe even if you don’t think you have an eating disorder), and/or body positive.

October 2, 2020 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

Words Matter!

When I was in the 8th grade, I learned something I have hung on to a bit. Through a research study, I learned that people who procrastinate when studying or doing school projects get better grades on tests and assignments. I can tell you my 8th-grade self loved learning this because it helped me “justify” my procrastination, especially when it came to school. After a quick search of how procrastination can be useful, I found several articles with varying subjects but mostly agreeing that procrastination can be good.

I was journaling about my own procrastination when I noticed a message in my mind about me being lazy. I blogged about laziness before. I avoid that word. I don’t like hearing my friends or clients call themselves lazy. Lazy is a value judgment. In this context, calling myself lazy is an attempt to motivate my own behavior. It has an underlying tone of shame. Even earlier in this blog, I used the word justify as though my procrastination is something unjust. Again, the shame is just lurking around.

I am big on words. Some might think I split hairs about the language that we use. Nonetheless, I will regularly write down the words used by clients to make sure I get their words exactly as they said them. There are clues into the inner workings of our psyche through our language. It is good to notice our own thoughts and the words we use, with curiosity and not criticism. Small tweaking of the language can make a huge difference. Notice the words you use, write them out, and look at them. Become the detective catching the clues of our inner world, an inner world that may be causing us unnecessary pain and suffering.

Maybe procrastination isn’t bad. Perhaps so-called laziness is our body’s way of looking for some balance or rest if we are dealing with a great deal of stress! Let’s be gentle and kind, with ourselves and with others.

September 11, 2020 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

If Sally Says Your Face Is Blue

When my kiddos were younger, they would sometimes come home and tell me that a kid at school told them they were, and you fill in the blank. We could go into a discussion about why kids are calling other kids names, but that is another discussion for another time. My parenting approach was to ask them if they were _________. I would sometimes get a little bit of pushback from my kid. “But Sally said I was.” And this is where my parenting brilliance comes in.

Is your face blue, I would ask. My child, who does not have a blue face, would say they did not. I would ask if Sally said their face was blue, would that make their face blue? The answer is, of course, not. What if Sally said it a bunch of times, over a bunch of days? Would that make your face blue? This is ridiculous, and it would be clear. Sally doesn’t get to decide if you are blue or whatever other title or description she uses.

But what if what Sally said is true? And here is where the significant part comes in. If what Sally said is true, we have to help the kiddo have enough self-confidence in WHATEVER it is that Sally might be pointing out. So that the relatively quick response internally, and maybe externally, is, “So?” If Sally is pointing out that you have two arms and two legs, you might look a little confused but can readily say, “So?”

How can we use this for ourselves? Adults are sometimes just as quick to point out things, especially online. And when they do, how can we respond? We can know that as much as someone might say our face is blue….it won’t make our face blue. And if they point out that we have two arms and two legs (if, in fact, we do)….we can say inside our head or even out loud, “So?”

One step deeper, and probably most important, is how to deal with the internal critic who is either saying our face is blue or is pointing out that we have two arms and two legs. We have to say that just because I think the thought, “my face is blue,” even if we think it over and over and over…..that will not make our face blue. We just will start believing our face is blue when it isn’t. And we have to make peace with the unique features that we keep saying we hate or is unacceptable. Again, this is NO MATTER WHAT quality we find ourselves criticizing. Accepting ourselves however we are is key to building that confidence. When you find yourself saying, “but my _____ is unacceptable,” we know we have more work to do. But it is work worth doing. We need to lean in and accept ourselves….dare I say love ourselves?

How Do You Hide?

Let’s Look a Little Closer

Words Matter!

If Sally Says Your Face Is Blue

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