brene brown Archives - Jamie English

February 12, 2021 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

How Do You Hide?

Depending on where you look for body image statistics, somewhere between 60% and 97% of people (men or women….teens or adults) report not having a good body image. Body image is how we think, feel, and act toward or about our bodies. If you don’t feel good about your body, you are certainly not alone. And depending on what you believe about your body, I would bet many reading this would struggle to believe that it is not their body’s fault. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we call this fusion with our thoughts. Sometimes our thoughts are so entrenched that we have a hard time seeing and knowing that it is a thought and believe it to be reality. I posted a quote on social media yesterday from Lindsay Kite that says, “My body was never the problem; my perception of my body was the problem.”

What if we tell ourselves this every time we have a bad thought about our body? What if we could imagine, even if only a moment, what it would be like if we didn’t see our body as a problem, as something holding us back, as something to hide? Extra points if you write some of the thoughts down of what you would do and how it would be.

One quick caveat—weight stigma and fatphobia are real. Society is not always easy breezy for folks in larger bodies or with disabilities. Racism can also sometimes create a hard stop for folks. I don’t want to pretend like these are not part of reality. For purposes of this exercise, I am looking at the stories inside our own heads that we are telling ourselves. How are you hiding? What is your body holding you back from? Can we each find a way to do the thing we would so love to do? Honestly, we may need to get creative or innovative. Maybe we need to show up to our high school reunion or post the selfie on social media. Maybe we tell the truth in the conversation at work. Maybe we go swimming or dancing. Maybe we start the YouTube channel we’ve been dreaming about. The truth is, we can often do the things, wear the things, be the things—it is society who says we can’t. And if there is indeed a limitation, that’s where creativity and innovation come in—maybe we develop a way to somehow work around the limitation.

In Brené Brown’s work, she has a great mantra—she says, “don’t shrink, don’t puff up, stand your sacred ground.” I love this mantra. I developed my own version for my own journey, which you will notice I leave out the don’t puff up part (you can psychoanalyze me if you want). Jamie’s version: Don’t hide—stand in your truth!

October 11, 2019 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

Are You a Murderino?

When I was a kid, my parents had a coffee table book that was about true crime. I remember reading that book and believing I had to be such a weirdo to be reading out true crime. But then I saw the entire true crime section at bookstores and libraries…..I then decided that I must not be alone.

Today we have entire shows and channels devoted to true crime….and even podcasts. One of the first podcasts I listened to was Serial, which was abo you guessed it….a true crime story. Honestly, at least lately, I have to know my limits. There have been shows and podcasts that stuck with me and “freaked” me out. When that happens, I take a break from all things “murder-y” and proceed carefully when I choose to watch one. Enter My Favorite Murder. Are you a murderino? (A name dubbed by the podcasters for those obsessed with murder, as well as listeners to their show.) This is a podcast that is somehow both a comedy and a true-crime podcast at the same time. In this arena, I don’t often have a story lingering in my head in the middle of the night, keeping me awake. I recently read their book, Stay Sexy and Don’t Get Murdered, and here are five things I love about Georgia and Karen….and three things that you might want to consider before reading and/or listening to their podcast.

Georgia and Karen are down to earth. While their “humble beginnings” in the entertainment industry might not look like yours or mine. Karen was a comedy writer for shows. Georgia had a cooking and travel channel. But really, they are just two friends who connected in their interest in talking about true crime and decided to do a podcast.
Georgia and Karen are also Brené Brown fangirls. I love that within their story of meeting, they were talking about reading Daring Greatly, and their attempts at being authentic within their podcast. Being a fangirl myself, I love finding others who are trying to soak up Brené’s wisdom.
Georgia and Karen are proponents of going to therapy. They talk openly about going to a therapist. Healthy people have therapists, friends. Let’s get rid of the stigma about going to a therapist and get ourselves some time on the couch.
Georgia and Karen own up to their mistakes on the reg. They often have a segment in each of their podcasts, giving updates and correcting mistakes from previous podcasts. This is not just about fact-checking; it gives us all permission to mess up…to be human.
Georgia and Karen are victim advocates. They aren’t just glorifying the criminal. They seem to genuinely connect with the victims and find a balance between learning some safety measures from murder stories and pushing against the patriarchy that sometimes lays the blame on the victim and downplays the roles of the perpetrator.

And just a few things to consider before jumping into being a murderino yourself and listening to their podcast.

They do talk about murder and gruesome, gritty stuff. Not everyone will want to listen to this discussion.
They cuss quite a bit. This doesn’t bother me in the least, but if you would rather not listen to some swear words woven throughout, you might want to pass on this podcast.
Some of their discussion is for sure more adult-themed, not too intense or graphic, but still something for the listener/reader to consider.

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September 6, 2019 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

Being Wound-Able

I learned this week that the word ‘vulnerable’ is derived from the Latin word vulnus which means ‘wound.’ I know what vulnerable is, don’t you? Do you have any response to knowing it means wound-able?

I was quite intrigued by this. It brought images of physical warfare, where someone would have no way to hide and maybe no way to fight back. And, honestly, no weapon and no armor in the wide-open during a battle or potential battle would also be described as ‘vulnerable.’ Yet, we describe the emotion of being vulnerable….and most of us immediately know exactly what I am talking about and might even have a visceral reaction to the thought of feeling vulnerable. I haven’t met anyone yet who likes or enjoys feeling vulnerable. Most of us work hard to avoid this feeling. We build up our armor and/or we hide, right?

Brené Brown teaches that the only way to be what she calls wholeheartedness is through being vulnerable. She defines wholeheartedness as “choosing to live and love with our whole hearts.” Being vulnerable deepens our connection with others. Deep, heavy sigh inserted here.

I’m going to run with the warfare, armor, vulnerability metaphor a little more. We do not like feeling vulnerable. If we were in the middle of warfare that we wanted to end, it JUST MIGHT start with one person, putting down their weapons, and taking off their armor. Who are we at warfare with unnecessarily? Our significant other? Family? Friends? Allowing ourselves to be wound-able might begin the process of ending that warfare. Besides ending the warfare, that deeper connection (what Brené Brown says we are wired for) is the potential reward.

Vulnerability is not going to come naturally. We have to set the intention over and over again. Where can you be vulnerable today? Look for places in conversations and interactions, maybe even on social media, to try it. See where it leads you. There are risks…..EVERY SINGLE TIME! Living in authenticity is worth it, regardless of how others respond. But if they respond with empathy, love, and compassion….

If you are hearing about Brené Brown for the first time here, I encourage you to check her out. She has a Netflix special, she has amazing books, she has TED Talks, and so much more!

May 11, 2018 by Jamie English 1 Comment

Shame

We all know the feeling. It’s utter yuck! Shame! I know that Brené Brown talks about it and has helped us to look at our shame and vulnerability. And yes, that has been a huge shift for me over the last few years! I’ve talked about being a bit of a fan girl of Brené Brown here and here.

And I didn’t even realize there was more to learn from shame. But i just attended an EMDR advanced training and learned something I found aha-mazing. (Is that a word, it should be, right?) Shame is a defense mechanism. We will come back to that, but first…

We all have defense mechanisms. It’s our brain’s way of dealing with difficult emotions that come up. You know when talking about something in your life stirs up emotions….and maybe even we get that lump in our throat and our eyes well up with tears? Our brain’s develop ways to make those experiences less uncomfortable. Enter defense mechanisms. They are usually quite automatic and with little awareness that they are happening.

Some common defenses include avoidance, intellectualization, and projection. I feel like avoidance will be self-explanatory. It can take many forms….change the subject, answering a question with a question, etcetera. Intellectualization is the thinking and often overthinking of something instead of allowing the feelings to surface. And then projection is when we put our thoughts, feelings, and judgments on someone else that deep down we think or feel about ourselves.

Now….back to shame as a defense mechanism. Hang with me here. It seems illogical that feeling shame would be a defense. I mean, if you change the subject….that doesn’t feel bad for the most part. Or intellectualizing doesn’t feel bad. Shame feels bad, though. Right?

BUT….it gives us a twisted sense of control. If we feel shame about a situation, maybe someone said or did something that hurt us emotionally or otherwise…. If we give ourselves the message that we somehow deserve that action toward us, we have the power back. “I need to work extra hard to not be bad and nobody will say or do anything mean.” That is easier to accept than that someone or life would just hurt us, undeserving and out of nowhere.

I may be oversimplifying. And…I don’t know that it is always a defense. I do think it is worth looking at, gently. Notice when you feel shame and see if you can see what would it be like without the shame? If the shame wasn’t there, what would be in its place? Maybe overwhelming pain, hurt, sadness…. Maybe the feelings that surface are the feelings that need to arise. Keep in mind that defenses have a good reason for being there. Proceed with kindness and self-compassion.

How Do You Hide?

Are You a Murderino?

Being Wound-Able

Shame

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