connection Archives - Jamie English

March 13, 2020 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

The World Is Waiting

Many years ago, I was struggling with my daughter, not sleeping through the night. I started looking online for others with the same struggle. When I was dealing with another struggle with my son a few years ago, I did the same thing. As I think about it, when I have the presence of mind and am going through a struggle, I look for someone else who has had a similar journey. It helps me so much to know I am not alone. It inspires me to know this doesn’t have to be forever, or if it is forever, we can find a way to cope where we don’t feel like it is such a struggle.

As a therapist, I get to sit front row for some amazing stories! Stories of insight…of transformation….of overcoming! I have said to many of my clients that I could see them writing a book or an article or a blog. Maybe I can see them speaking to various audiences. Sure, they don’t owe this to anyone. They certainly don’t owe this to me. But if they were to decide to explore that avenue and share their story, I think it could be an inspiration to many.

Earlier this week, I shared a quote on social media by Rosie Molinary. If you aren’t familiar with her, check her out. The quote this week spoke to me on such a deep level. I am hoping it will for you as well.

Your vulnerability is meant for building community, not walls. You have everything you need inside of you. You always have. Now, what you must know is that the world is aching for you to show up as you are. It won’t just change you. It will change everything.

I am writing this out and putting it on my mirror. I am going to show up more. Will you join me? You are the hero of your story. The world is aching for us!

September 13, 2019 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

I grew up in the ’80s. There was a classic television show we enjoyed back then called Cheers. It was considered great television. I have fond memories of the characters. Sam was a recovering alcoholic who owned and ran the bar. He was also quite the ladies’ man and a former baseball player. Coach was pouring drinks alongside Sam, and he was pretty dimwitted. We counted on something to be misunderstood by him, creating a snicker for us. Then there’s Cliff, the postal worker who could spout trivia for just about every occasion. Norm, who we know to have a one-liner here and there, a bit sarcastic and cynical. Of course, when he walked in the door, the whole bar would shout “Norm.” Carla is the feisty, short waitress, who hates Diane. Diane is the intellectual, fish out of water, waitress who no one would suspect to be a waitress.

Do you know the show? Did you watch it? Did you love it? It’s on Netflix and I could not resist re-watching it. It’s probably been 25 or more years since I had seen it. I have fond memories of the show, including watching the final episode with the rest of the world and feeling like I was a part of history. And…..

As I am re-watching it, I am finding something quite interesting. The storyline is dull, boring, and sometimes even stupid. Quick disclaimer, I am only in the second season….maybe the storyline gets better. And don’t hate on me. It is only my opinion of course, but I am quite disappointed that the writing is far from brilliant. My memory of this show is that it was sooooo good. That’s why it is a classic. Side note, as someone who was a kid in the 1980s, I was raised watching a lot of television. I am finding more and more reruns of shows from the ’80s are not so great. Still, Cheers?

I continue to watch Cheers, and not just because I keep holding out hope that the storyline will get better. I keep watching because I want to understand why I loved the show….why a lot of us loved it! I am developing a theory. We crave community. The bar is the community for the players in the show. We love to see them ban together when they need each other, even though they sometimes seem to hate each other. We love the warmth of everyone knowing our name and shouting “Norm” when we walk in. We love being annoyed as Diane talks about philosophy or collegiate. We love knowing there is a softer side to Carla’s toughness.

Do have a place where everybody knows your name? Have you already found your tribe, your group, your herd?

May 3, 2019 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

They’re Just Trying to Get Attention

If someone said, “She’s just doing that to get attention,” what is your reaction to this phrase? I’m not exactly sure how or when, but I believe I was conditioned to ignore the person “just trying to get attention” and even judge them a bit for exhibiting this behavior. I feel like society does this. I have an immediate reaction to roll my eyes, ignore this person and maybe even resent them for “wasting our time.” Wait, what?

Why are we subtly or not-so-subtly encouraged to ignore and resent someone for “trying to get attention”? What if we took this as a cue for someone asking for help. We are HARD-WIRED TO CONNECT. That means we NEED to be loved. Babies come into this world extremely vulnerable and needing that connection to survive. It is a survival instinct to connect. Cavemen had a greater sense of survival if they were in tribes. Rejecting someone in that tribe was as good as saying, “You might as well die.”

If a baby grows into a child who does things “to get attention,” they are coming from a survival instinct to connect. When they are “misbehaving’, that is a clue that they need connection. Why would we dismiss the behavior….child….by saying, “They are just trying to get attention”? Say that phrase if you like….and then inquire further….with empathy. Maybe, if the relationship is important to you, connect with them. Better yet, help them develop skills to connect with others. Help them identify that feeling that is leading to the misbehavior. Sit with them a moment with that feeling.

Now take this new code to older children, teens, and adults. It’s the SAME THING!! If someone is doing something (self-harm, eating disorder behaviors, and the like), let’s shy away from the eye rolling and judgment! EVEN IF they are doing this “just for the attention,” why is that something worthy of dismissing? Something is missing in their life—connection (a sense of love and belonging). As an eating disorder therapist and trauma therapist, I often see clients struggling with their own behaviors as “just trying to get attention.” They second-guess the validity of their symptoms. They sometimes feel like their disorder is “made up,” and they may even have been told they were ________ (not eating, purging, cutting, etc.) “just to get attention.” And to this, I say, “Okay….and? You needed attention.” Where in your life did you not get attention (which is code for love, belonging, connection) when you needed it?

The World Is Waiting

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

They’re Just Trying to Get Attention

Office Hours

Find Our Office

Contact Information