Finding Balance in the Four Agreements: A Perfectionist’s Perspective

If you’re familiar with Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements, you know they offer a powerful roadmap for personal freedom and emotional well-being. However, as a recovering perfectionist, I’ve found that not all agreements feel equally accessible. While their simplicity is part of their brilliance, two of them—“Be impeccable with your word” and “Always do your best”—can be challenging for those of us who tend toward perfectionism.

For me, the heart of The Four Agreements lies in the two middle agreements: “Don’t take anything personally” and “Don’t make assumptions.” These are the ones I focus on most, as they offer a gentler yet transformative path to navigating the world without the crushing weight of self-imposed expectations.

The Perfectionist’s Trap: Agreements One and Four

At first glance, “Be impeccable with your word” can feel daunting. Impeccable? That word alone can send a perfectionist into overdrive. The idea of consistently saying exactly the right thing—free of error, negativity, or unkindness—might seem impossible. For those of us who are overly self-critical, any slip of the tongue or poorly chosen word can spiral into shame or regret.

Similarly, “Always do your best” can easily be misinterpreted as a call for constant perfection. Perfectionists often equate “doing your best” with being flawless, leading to burnout or a sense of failure when our “best” doesn’t match unrealistic standards.

But when I take a step back and reframe these agreements, I realize they’re not asking for perfection at all. Being impeccable with your word is about integrity and kindness, not perfection. And doing your best acknowledges that your best will vary depending on your circumstances, energy, and capacity. Still, I’ve found that the first and fourth agreements often come more easily after prioritizing the two in the middle.

The Middle Agreements: Permission to Let Go

“Don’t take anything personally” has been one of the most freeing lessons in my life. As a perfectionist, I used to overanalyze feedback, criticism, or even neutral comments, interpreting them as a reflection of my worth or abilities. This agreement reminds me that what others say or do is a projection of their own reality—not a judgment on me.

When I focus on not taking things personally, I feel a weight lifted. I’m less likely to dwell on perceived slights or mistakes, freeing up my mental energy to focus on what truly matters. This agreement gives me the permission I need to let go of the endless cycle of self-criticism and overthinking.

“Don’t make assumptions” is equally transformative. Perfectionists often feel the need to fill in gaps when we don’t have all the information, whether it’s imagining how others perceive us or assuming the worst in ambiguous situations. This agreement reminds me to pause, ask questions, and seek clarity instead of jumping to conclusions.

By practicing this agreement, I’ve learned to approach situations with curiosity instead of judgment. It’s a skill that has deepened my relationships and helped me communicate more effectively—without the exhausting mental gymnastics of trying to anticipate everyone else’s thoughts or expectations.

Why I Lean on the Middle Two

While all four agreements are interconnected, I’ve found that focusing on the middle two creates a foundation for growth that feels more compassionate and sustainable. When I’m not taking things personally or making assumptions, I’m better equipped to engage with the first and fourth agreements without falling into the perfectionist trap.

For example, letting go of assumptions allows me to be more impeccable with my word because I’m speaking from a place of clarity, not fear or overcompensation. Similarly, when I don’t take things personally, I can redefine what “doing my best” looks like on any given day—without holding myself to an impossible standard.

A Balanced Approach to the Four Agreements

If you’re someone who struggles with perfectionism, consider starting with “Don’t take anything personally” and “Don’t make assumptions.” These agreements create the psychological space needed to engage with the other two more authentically. They offer a gentle reminder that it’s okay to release control and embrace imperfection.

The Four Agreements is a lifelong practice, not a checklist to complete perfectly. For me, it’s about finding balance and letting these principles guide me, rather than imprison me in my own expectations.

Which of the agreements resonates most with you? Let me know in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts.