Giving Myself Grace
Have you ever been told to “give yourself grace”? What does that even mean and how would you do that? In the therapy sphere, this phrase tends to be utilized as a reminder to allow for imperfection, self-acceptance, and self-compassion. This could look like validating your own feelings or forgiving yourself when you make a mistake.
As quick as I am to give this advice to others, I tend to struggle taking this same advice. Even though I am aware of the importance of giving myself grace, I sometimes find myself doing the opposite, like ruminating on a past mistake, feeling guilty for unintentionally hurting someone’s feelings, or getting angry at myself for forgetting to do something that I was supposed to do.
One thing I will say that I have gotten better about with age and life experience is recognizing when I am not giving myself grace so I can try to course correct. Here are some things that have helped me make room for grace for myself and I’m hoping they may help you do the same, if you find yourself struggling with this as well.
Acknowledge that you are a human and living a human experience. You are not perfect, as perfect is not real. Try to soften any rigid expectations you have for yourself that may be unrealistic.
Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Sit with the feelings that arise without judgement. A great way to practice this is to try to separate yourself from the feelings. For example, if you are feeling angry, try to tell yourself, “I notice that I am feeling angry.” By adding a bit of separation here, instead of just stating, “I’m angry”, you allow yourself to be more than your emotions. It also allows for curiosity. Explore why you are feeling what you are feeling.
Let go of things outside of your control. When you stop and think of how much control you truly have over your life, you might realize that you don’t have nearly as much as you thought you did. As a person, the only thing you can truly control is yourself (as in your thoughts, actions, beliefs, etc.) Giving yourself grace may mean recognizing when things are outside of your control and therefore giving you the permission to let go of any perceived responsibility.
Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Try to look at the situation assuming you had the best of intentions.
Put it in perspective. If you feel like you’ve made a mistake and are beating yourself up for doing so, try fact-checking the situation. Ask yourself things like, “Is my mistake truly catastrophic?”, “Would I feel this way if someone else made this same mistake?”, or “Is it realistic to expect myself to never make mistakes?”
Find the lesson learned. This doesn’t mean in a “silver lining” or “everything happens for a reason” kind of way, but looking for takeaways and giving yourself some credit. This might look like identifying growth you’ve made based on how you reacted to the current situation versus how you would have reacted in the past or maybe recognizing a need you didn’t realize you had.
Seek out support or guidance. This helps you feel less alone and can help validate your experience. This could look like talking with a loved one like a family member or friend, or speaking with a professional like a colleague or your therapist.c