Blog | Inner Revolution Counseling Services

May 24, 2019 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

Use Your Judgment

I’m currently reading Judgment Detox by Gabrielle Bernstein. I haven’t finished it, and I would like to acknowledge that she may not be everyone’s “cup of tea,” but I am liking what I am reading. She’s outlining a 6-step process (because we love to have practical steps, right?) to be judgment-free. I am only on the second step, but it seems like she has some solid and psychologically sound information she is sharing. The first step is to start noticing times you are judging. Notice without judgment. I am struck by how she encourages you to take that judgment and get curious about what’s behind that and where it comes from.

Reading this got me to thinking about a phrase you might have heard: “You spot it, you got it.” Sometimes these catchy little one-liners are fun and memorable for several reasons, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have strong, deep meaning as you reflect on it. As you might guess, as you dig deeper on your judgments of others, it often comes back to your own stuff. What we are judging in others is reflecting on parts of ourselves we avoid or try to deny having. It usually boils down to shame…our own internal shame. We have shame within ourselves and start pushing it on to others. Think about it, when we are judging others, aren’t we basically saying, “you should be ashamed of yourself,” in one way or another. I’m not going to lie, looking at your judgment can sting a bit. If I spot it, I got it. So, if I spot pettiness, I’ve got pettiness. If I spot entitlement, I’ve got entitlement. If I spot close mindedness…. You get the picture.

Deep breaths. The good news is that on the other side of spotting our judgment is a path to learning about ourselves and finding healing for our shame. Another side note within the book, she talks about EFT (emotional freedom technique), also known as tapping. I was trained in Clinical EFT about 5 years ago. It can certainly be a good tool within the therapy space, as well as a self-help tool you can do by yourself. I was happy to be reminded of this powerful tool and hope to revisit it more for myself and maybe some clients. I may write more about this in future blogs. I do want to do the “Judgment Detox” for myself, so what I learn may also show up in future posts.

May 17, 2019 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

Stories to Be Told

I’ve been reading a book by John Green called Turtles All the Way Down. If my count is right, this will be the fourth book I’ve read by this author. As I am reading it, I comment to my husband that the storyline seems a little familiar. I think I said something like, “Protagonist is shy and awkward, has an eccentric outgoing friend, and circumstances set forth for an adventure in search of something.” Hubs says, “Yeah, like Looking for Alaska.” I say, “Actually I was thinking of Paper Towns.” But that was exactly my point. At first, I admit I was a little judgey. No hate on John Green. He seems an interesting fellow. And reading his work is a nice, light reading kind of break for my mind that is often absorbed into heavier material. Each of the storylines have some variations that are fun and intriguing. Plus, everyone loves The Hero’s Journey, which is virtually all of the movies and books we love.

And then my thinking took a turn, I started wondering about Mr. Green. Why is it needs to tell this story over and over? What does it mean to him? Who does he identify with? What is he working through?

And then what about me? What story do I need to tell? And why am I not telling it? What story do we each need to tell? Are we telling it? On the one hand, of course, I think we all have our own story to tell…but is there another one in there that needs to be told?

May 10, 2019 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

There Is No Ladder

Several years ago, I heard a public speaker say that if you are in a group of people and someone said, rank everyone on this ladder of best to worst….you could do it. The speaker then said, “There is no ladder.” But he was right, if you were in a group of a few folks, you could put them on this non-existent ladder. You could do best to worst. You could do dumbest to smartest. You could do shortest to tallest. You could do poorest to richest. And….you could do this without asking questions….you’d make a ton of assumptions.

Thing is, we don’t have to be asked to put folks on a ladder. We do it on our own, inside our heads. In the eating disorder treatment world, we determine thinnest to fattest….or sickest to least sick. In the mental health world, we do “craziest” to least crazy or least to worst traumas. For now, I just want to notice we do it and see if we can find the code behind why we do it. My theory is that we are determining our worth.

Somewhere along the line, a lot of us start to feel like we aren’t worth love and belonging. Or that we aren’t as worth it as someone else. We want to feel a sense of something, so we start comparing ourselves to others to see where we fall on whatever ladder we are looking at for that day….that I think is code for my worth. So next time you start looking at those around you, putting them on whatever ladder for the moment, ask yourself what this is really about…Do I need to know my worthiness ratio? Truth is, my worth has nothing to do with someone else’s worth. I need back up out of everyone’s stuff and look at my self, by myself. Scary? Absolutely! But figuring out that you have value and worth PERIOD is at the core of so much healing. Seem impossible? For most of us, it usually does. We can start by remembering, at the very least, there is no ladder!

May 3, 2019 by Jamie English Leave a Comment

They’re Just Trying to Get Attention

If someone said, “She’s just doing that to get attention,” what is your reaction to this phrase? I’m not exactly sure how or when, but I believe I was conditioned to ignore the person “just trying to get attention” and even judge them a bit for exhibiting this behavior. I feel like society does this. I have an immediate reaction to roll my eyes, ignore this person and maybe even resent them for “wasting our time.” Wait, what?

Why are we subtly or not-so-subtly encouraged to ignore and resent someone for “trying to get attention”? What if we took this as a cue for someone asking for help. We are HARD-WIRED TO CONNECT. That means we NEED to be loved. Babies come into this world extremely vulnerable and needing that connection to survive. It is a survival instinct to connect. Cavemen had a greater sense of survival if they were in tribes. Rejecting someone in that tribe was as good as saying, “You might as well die.”

If a baby grows into a child who does things “to get attention,” they are coming from a survival instinct to connect. When they are “misbehaving’, that is a clue that they need connection. Why would we dismiss the behavior….child….by saying, “They are just trying to get attention”? Say that phrase if you like….and then inquire further….with empathy. Maybe, if the relationship is important to you, connect with them. Better yet, help them develop skills to connect with others. Help them identify that feeling that is leading to the misbehavior. Sit with them a moment with that feeling.

Now take this new code to older children, teens, and adults. It’s the SAME THING!! If someone is doing something (self-harm, eating disorder behaviors, and the like), let’s shy away from the eye rolling and judgment! EVEN IF they are doing this “just for the attention,” why is that something worthy of dismissing? Something is missing in their life—connection (a sense of love and belonging). As an eating disorder therapist and trauma therapist, I often see clients struggling with their own behaviors as “just trying to get attention.” They second-guess the validity of their symptoms. They sometimes feel like their disorder is “made up,” and they may even have been told they were ________ (not eating, purging, cutting, etc.) “just to get attention.” And to this, I say, “Okay….and? You needed attention.” Where in your life did you not get attention (which is code for love, belonging, connection) when you needed it?

Use Your Judgment

Stories to Be Told

There Is No Ladder

They’re Just Trying to Get Attention

Office Hours

Find Our Office

Contact Information